there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
