how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
