I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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