I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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