I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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