Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
