i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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