Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
