I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
