I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
