That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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