i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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