I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
