i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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