if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
God, you're like boner-b-gone
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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