i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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