Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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