Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
