Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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