CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need to calm my uterus...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
