I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
