capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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