guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
