Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
