Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
True college students do jello shots in the library
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