I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
