you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
