I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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