You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
