I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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