I don't usually arrange sex via text message
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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