Pants 0. Shit 1.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
