It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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