what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
