Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
