We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
