please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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