Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
