I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
