I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
