So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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