Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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