I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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