she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
