i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I skipped work to stalk him.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
