I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
