I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
