How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
