is your mom at the bar?
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
