Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
